Signs of Conflict, First Steps
As I noted in last week’s column, twenty percent of churches are in some level of conflict at any given time. There are unhealthy patterns in church life that will tend to breed conflict. Two key problems to look out for are blaming and anonymous complaints as these are signs that conflict may be waiting in the wings.
The Blame Game
Blaming others for the problems faced rather than taking responsibility for one’s own role in an issue is a bad sign in church leadership. When problems occur, blaming others for the situation does nothing to improve the situation. This is especially true when the priest is blaming their laity for some problem in the church. Yes, there are likely ways in which someone else actions have exacerbated the situation, but as we can only control our own behavior (and not always that) one is more likely to make the situation better by taking responsibility for his or her own reaction to another’s behavior. A culture of blame makes the church unsafe for discussing real problems.
I Can’t Tell You Who Told Me
Another problem paradigm is listening to anonymous information. “People tell me that…” or “Someone said…” are two common forms of anonymous complaint. If someone has a significant issue, a far healthier way to improve the situation is for the person involved to go to a vestry meeting to speak on the problem directly or to give permission for someone to present their concern. Jesus taught us to go directly to a person with whom we are at odds and address them about it face to face. As a Christian community we should be able to deal openly and honestly with problems. There could, however, be a legitimate reason why someone’s name should not be known. In these cases, either the priest or a warden should know the situation and present the concern saying that there are reasons why the complaint must be shared anonymously. When anonymous information becomes the norm this could be pointing out that people do not feel safe sharing their concerns. Who is intimidating them? Why can someone not speak up? These are important questions to ask. In any case, anonymous information surfacing is a sign of Gossip working its way around. And as Gossip travels faster than the speed of accuracy; lies, secrets and unnecessary hurt usually follow in its wake.
Other Warning Signs of Conflict
The presence of blaming and anonymous information are signs of a problem atmosphere. Others include parking lot meetings following vestry or church services where complaints are being aired. Ultimatums are a sign of trouble and they usually follow someone taking a rigid position and not being willing to listen to anything that does not support that position. Someone dropping out of a lay ministry for no apparent reason can also be a sign of an as of yet unsurfaced problem, which is why “exit interviews” with a choir master or Sunday School teacher is important. The main sign that conflict is present is reduced participation and giving, particularly among leaders, or among a significant percentage of the congregation (more than 10%). People often withdraw in place when there are problems and then will leave. It is important to understand why they are backing away.
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First Steps
When the warning signs are present, the most important thing is for the leaders to remain connected to all the people in the system while being non-anxious and non-reactive. Taking a stand or taking action before the situation is fully understood, sharing and spreading the anxiety of the system, and making quick reactive changes will only push the conflict to a higher level (see Speed Leas’ Levels of Conflict). The first steps then are to listen to all involved without justifying or reacting. Make sure you have heard the problems and heard them clearly. Only when you understand what the real problem is (which may not be the presenting issue) and all involved know that they have been valued in the process will you be ready to manage the conflict effectively to health and wholeness. Encouraging leaders to be non-anxious, non-reactive, attentive listeners who are well connected to the people in conflict is the best way known to reduce conflict and work toward constructive change.
This series on conflict management will continue next week.
The Rev. Canon Frank Logue
Canon to the Ordinary
NOTE: One free resource from TheParishPaper.com is worth downloading. They offer a 40-page resource on Church conflict with suggestions for how to use it over six vestry meetings. The PDF file is online here: Church Effectiveness – Congregational Conflict
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