Part II of a how-to guide for sickness & grief
Last week, I shared a few opening thoughts on how every Christian is to respond to those he or she knows who are suffering rather from sickness, grief or some other cause. I shared how one might offer some direct action, such as taking care of the children of a mother who is sick or cutting the grass for a family in grief. Beyond these offers of direct assistance, there is the question of how to respond in words as well as deeds. What do you say and how do you say it?
How to Write
When writing, opt for a hand-written note. It is generally best not to try to explain the tragedy or make it better. Words like “well at least you have other children” or “he had a long, full life” may be true, but they sometimes wound rather than heal.
Instead of trying to make it all better, you can just be honest with something more like, “I don’t know how you feel or what you are going through, but I wanted you to know I care.” This line of writing opens the connection to the person in physical or emotional pain without trying to jump to solving the problem. With that said, I don’t want to discourage you from writing a note. Even a note that gets off track and says the wrong thing will still convey that you care. Erring on the side of being in communication is most helpful.
What to Say
Even better than writing is to go in person. When you show up and are able to listen, you have offered the greatest gift of all. What a person going through medical treatment, dealing with grief, or otherwise making sense of tragedy needs most is a safe place to be able to process what he or she is thinking. Listening without judgment, and without trying to make it all better (which will take much more time than a single conversation) is the best you can offer.
Whenever you go in person or call on the phone, begin with “Is this a good time?” If the answer is no, then respect that answer. Let the person know that you are available to listen and then check in the next day or the next week. When the time is right, try to listen much more than you speak and allow for longer than comfortable pauses to make room for the other person to think. When it feels right, a hug or touch of the hand may be the most healing thing you can offer.
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Call the Priest
Remember to call the priest. Make sure that your priest and the priest or pastor of the people most directly affected by the tragedy knows what is happening. Do not assume that he or she already knows. I didn’t list this until last, not because one shouldn’t call right away, but to emphasize other steps as calling a priest does not mean that your job is completed. For while clergy can and will want to help, it is the close friends and family who will be able to stay in touch day by day and week by week for the year or years ahead. Be open to being the person who takes on that role and you will find that God will bless you as you show love to your neighbor.
It is not always easy or convenient to step beyond “I am sorry for your loss. Let me know if I can help.” But putting your concern into both words and actions that help bring healing is not for the seminary trained alone. Often, what you do or say matters so much less than that you show up and care and this is something each of us who follows Jesus can and should do.
The Rev. Frank Logue
Canon to the Ordinary
PS: A great book with lots of great advice based on both years of experience and surveys with those who have been comforted by others in times of sickness and grief is Don’t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart by Kenneth Haugk. Written with lay persons in mind, it is a great resource for clergy as well.
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